Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Almost gave up. Didn't. Still need your help, though.

TL;DW Notes:

Sleep did not alleviate the depression I developed last night, which is a big problem. A string of small events yesterday afternoon and evening put a bunch of bigger things into perspective, and now I'm heavily weighed down by them.

I'm not going to go into the events of last night; I cover them well enough in the video. The first half or so is all about these events. But it almost culminated in me giving up and quitting Pumping Station 1 not because of anything they did, but because of a combination of studied disinterest and active (albeit not malicious) sabotage by people I know.

PS1 could change the vector of my life... not just professionally, but my very sense of well-being. There's a lot of potential, here. But I can't do it without help. I just... don't... have... the resources. I think I'm doing the right thing by choosing to follow up on this instead of resorting to violence and self-destruction, but a core tenet of this plan is that I have to swallow my pride, ignore the shame I feel in asking, and ask you for help.

Please help.

You people see my life in bits and pieces, when it's convenient and through the lens of my FB and this blog. My life is a constant landslide of rage, despair and helplessness and I have to fight the push of it constantly, every day, all day, with no lens and no breaks to go be someone else. It's a lot of work, but I'm trying very hard to not just give up. But when people ask of me and take from me and then nobody steps up when I need something, or when I need actual help and all I get is applause, I lose hope. I know a few people here are just hoping to see fireworks, waiting for me to lose it all and go up in flames, but I'm hellbent on going a better way if it's at all possible.

I feel like what I'm asking for is unreasonable, but people have been encouraging me to ask because, chances are, to someone out there, these things are mega-simple to make available. I'm going to ask again... I need a 26" bicycle (something that can handle regular city biking), an acoustic guitar and a laptop. The events of last night and today really highlight the importance of these things, since my roommates can't seem to be trusted to provide the reliable internet connection I asked for in my ad a year and a half ago... which they've made clear they didn't read. Right now, at this point in my progress, all three are of paramount importance, and if I had them then my roommates letting the internet drop would be an inconvenience instead of the complete disaster it is right now.

I'm not asking anyone to buy me this stuff, but if you have something I can use (the laptop needs to be fairly recent, within about the last five years or so), then consider donating it, or long-term loaning it to me, or if you offered to sell it cheap enough I'd probably run out and sell blood or something to buy it.

... but I don't have the resources to do this stuff on my own. I'm sorry, I just don't. I've made a lot of changes, like quitting drinking and soda, trying to use Khan Academy ( to teach myself higher mathematics and a bit of coding and electrical engineering, getting medical care and psychological counseling, but I have to ask for stuff like this to make all this work. So I'm still asking.

Be excellent to each other
Jonny Panic

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